This is the story of how I transitioned from being an atheist to a believer in God. This is only a small, but important piece of the whole conversion process. And this is in no way a proof that God exists.
When I was 20 years old, I was confirmed into the Catholic Church by arch-bishop of Boston, Sean O'Malley. But let us go back two more years. When I was a wide-eyed and bushy tailed freshman (i.e., just 18 years old) at MIT. Let us remember that I was an atheist at this point. Before the end of the first semester of college, I had my first girlfriend. Having this woman as my girlfriend gave me a strong feeling of happiness that my being fed from. My being selfishly desired to be with this woman because she made me feel good. This feeling that I am referring to is an infatuation that is commonly called "being in love". As CS Lewis points out, you can be driven to true Love by being in love, but "being in love" is still a fleeting feeling. I did not have the vaguest idea of the bold Love that our Lord Jesus Christ talked about. The selfless Christian Love.
Not surprisingly, at the start of my junior year, the relationship ended. And guess what? It was not me that wanted it to end. Like many people that do not have God in the center of their lives, I placed that relationship as the center of my life. This is a warming to all, do not place anything at the center of your life that can be taken away, such as a relationship with a human or your success in life. Because these other things will be taken away from you, whether abruptly or slowly, and you will be left shaken to the core when they are gone1.
So there I was, a 20 year old junior, shaken to the core. The relationship I put at the center of my universe was gone. Naturally, there was an emptiness and pain, feelings that nearly all of the people in this world have felt when they suffer a break up with someone that they still "loved"2. Feelings that do not feel like they will ever go away unless the lost relationship is restored. I was wrong in thinking that! How ironic that I was in an emotional prison through my selfish definition of love, yet it was not until I truly loved with the Christian love that I was set free. Real love led me to will good on this woman; accepting that it would most certainly be without me as her husband. While my soul lived through this epiphany, I would not understand it nor be able to articulate it until much later at the age of 26.
But before I could love as Christ taught us and be set free from my emotional prison, there was my friend Genevieve. In Genevieve, I saw a joy. A joy that I longed for. She explained to me that there was the fleeting happiness of this world. And that there was an eternal joy of having a relationship with God. My soul tickled as it heard those beautiful words. A joy that no matter what happens to you in this world, you will always have it, because nothing can take away God's love for you nor your love of God. Genevieve knew I was an atheist. She asked me the question that changed my life forever, "Have you ever asked God to reveal himself to you?" I answered, "No". What I had previously done, multiple times, was to demand that God show himself to me.
So I prayed with an open heart. I asked God, if he would reveal himself to me. I had been advised to watch out for the "ordinary" parts of my life, because God would answer me through there. The next day I was walking by the Barnes and Noble's at the Prudential Center and I decided to go in. My subconscious led me to the spirituality section and my eyes were drawn to a Sylvia Browne book, "Prophecy: What the Future Holds For You". I bought the book and started to read it.
You might think that for me, a Catholic, it is odd that a book by someone that believes that all religions are correct and that there is another female God equal to the Father would draw me closer to God. You are right and I do not endorse that book. But at this time in my spiritual adolescence, I could not understand the mystery of Jesus3, because I was not even convinced of the supernatural world nor a God. God took the one area where he knew I had lingering beliefs in the supernatural and used that opening to convince me that there is a supernatural world and furthermore there is a God4. Your journey will be different than mine, as I do not expect people will come to know God by the same books that I read, especially a Sylvia Browne book. Let me be clear, there is only one path we are all trying to get on, which is to be aligned with the will of God. However, there are some beginner basics. Ask God to help you see him and pay close attention to the ordinary parts of your life. Something out of the ordinary will resonate with your soul to let you know that you are heading in the right direction.
Shortly, after I had that fateful talk with Genevieve, I decided to take the student-sponsored non-denominational Christian course, called "Alpha" and decided to start my confirmation classes for the Catholic Church.
How I wish I could tell you that I was a great person after that. Alas, that was not the case, however, my confirmation was a start on a long and arduous journey that needed to be taken. Unfortunately, I would need to fall harder to believe with all my heart and soul, but that does not need to be your fate.
1God is the great I AM, the sole unshakable absolute Truth. He is Love.
2Or so I thought that I "loved", more on this.
3Reason alone can lead us to God, but to believe in Jesus, you need divine intervention, which will be given to you only if you pray for it.
4There was one part in particular in the the Sylvia Browne book where my soul tickled, it was when she mentioned that at the end of the our lives we would go over them, almost like watching a movie. The after death movie idea resonated with my soul, because I always had a suspicion about that. Reading my unique suspicions from the words of another validated that thought to me, and I assumed it as truth. But for me to assume it as truth, I had to believe that our lives do not end once our physical bodies die. I had to believe in the idea of the soul, which I did.
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