The purpose of this blog is ambitious, which is to answer the question of "Why are we born?". The purpose of this blog entry or any titled "My Story" is to give you a picture on how I came to Love God. Please know that there is only one path, but all journeys are different. As Father Matt told me, a book that speaks to our soul might not resonate for someone else (i.e., Confessions by Saint Augustine). The books that speak to you are all part of your unique journey. What is not unique is that in order walk the path, the desire to walk the path is necessary. The path will also undoubtedly begin because of a pain. Remember that God wants you to look for him no matter what, so do not feel ashamed that you only seek him when you are in need.
Here is my journey and path. I was born Enrique Esparza Quezada on September 11, 1984 in Mexico City. My childhood in Mexico was cut short as my family moved to Los Angeles when I was four. Except for four years of studying at MIT in the Boston area, I have spent the rest of my life in Los Angeles.
As most Mexican families, my family is Catholic. Growing up, my family would go to Mass every Sunday. In my adolescence, I viewed Mass1 as a chore, although I never questioned God. I knew God was real. It is amazing how in our early years, we have the gift of Faith, we simply believe. We have not become corrupted by the lies of selfish wills2.
At age 14, when I started high school, a lot changed. Because of my inquisitive nature I began to doubt that God existed. Everything I "saw" could be explained by science. My scientific reasoning slowly gave way to the doubting of God. Doubt turned to blindness and cynicism. Cynicism and blindness turned to arrogance and bitterness towards God and especially "religion".
I questioned how people could benefit from religion if "religious" people committed horrible acts. The Bible was used to justify atrocities such as the conquest of the Americas and slavery. I saw Christianity used by the Ku Klux Klan. I believed that God cannot be real if people who call themselves Christians do horrible things. I struggled with how God could allow so many religions? Specifically, I was asking why there are so many Christian denominations? Which one is right? Can there be only one right denomination? In high school I had a Protestant Christian3 friend, another Mormon4 "Christian" friend, and lastly a Unificationist5 "Christian" friend. All four of us, like drones, belonged to the denomination of our parents. I thought, was I Catholic only because I was raised that way?
I began to try and read the Bible. Not knowing anything about the structure, I started with the first Book, Genesis. It did not take long before I got upset. In my imperfect nature, I tried to fit God into what he should be, without even knowing him. In the story of the Fall of Man, I thought how wrong of God to punish all women and make them subservient to man because of what Eve did. I thought it was wrong how God punished all men because Adam also ate from the Apple. In the story of Cain and Abel, I also thought it was wrong of God to punish Cain's descendants just because of Cain. What wrong had they done? I questioned how could people live so long. I questioned the early patriarchs such as Noah, being drunk then naked, then cursing his son Ham and his descendants because Ham was ashamed of his father. Abraham casually sleeping with his servant because his wife, Sarah, could not bear him children. Abraham was willing to kill his own son. Jacob had multiple wives and stole his brother's blessing. These were the patriarchs, the men who were entrusted with the promises of God? They seemed like great sinners to me.
What about other religions that are no longer with us like the Greek Gods? Did not their people believe as fervently in those Gods? What makes us different?
My questions only grew. If there is a God, why is there evil? Why do religions start wars? Are they true if they lead others to violence? Is it not better then not have any religions?
What happens if you do not believe in Jesus? Do you go to hell? What kind of God condemns people to hell for not believing in some person that lived thousands of years ago? What about if you never got to hear about God or Jesus, like the Native Americans before the Europeans brought Christianity (sometimes with the sword)?
For several years, up until I was 20, I fluctuated between atheist and deist. By a deist I mean someone that believes that there was a creator of the universe, but that entity just let the world run itself without interfering in it.
And that mentality is where I was stuck until I was twenty years old. So if you have any of the above reservations, I invite you to please read the rest of my story. I still have more questions, but none that make me doubt in the existence of God. The path, as St. Augustine would say, is long and arduous.
1Mass is the official name for the Church service in the Roman Catholic Rite.
2All wills that diverge from the One Will are selfish and thus can only lead to sin. Our reason helps us understand the One Will. Our nature (e.g.,desires of the flesh) works against the One Will to be selfish and sin.
3Presbeteryan
4Mormoms
5Unificanionist, also known as as "Moonies".
No comments:
Post a Comment